Antarman: The inside Journey

From the pages of my old diary, dated 1.05.2014, 22:23:

I find myself traversing a critical juncture in my life. Having completed 50 vibrant years and on the brink of turning 51, I am acutely aware of a palpable sense that something vital is missing. The exact nature of this absence eludes me, casting a restlessness and causing a noticeable dip in concentration. Life in Patna is relatively settled, with a fulfilling job soon marking its fourth year.

The passing of Cecilia dealt a profound blow, a lingering sadness that calls into question the purpose behind our toil in navigating life's intricacies. There's a tug between embracing more of life or seeking solace in spirituality. The path is unclear, and the motivation sporadic. Restlessness sometimes reaches such heights that I yearn for refuge, leading to irritations that take weeks to dissipate. I grapple with deciphering the signals—lust, an inner desire to find meaning in halting meaningless work—confused by the jolting of the very foundations of my understanding at this mature age of 50.

This state of mind usually manifests in December, but for the first time, it has surfaced mid-year amid the busyness of work. Does stability haunt me? Am I meant to revel in life's uncertainty, changing jobs and locations to infuse vitality? Am I weary of my current job, contemplating an exit? No clear answers emerge. Even seeking company as a remedy has proven futile. I long for open, transparent, and liberating connections, a rare commodity in a world where people tend to be self-centered and out of sync with emotional needs.

This turmoil signals a need for a transformative shift in how I live. I must turn inward, focusing more on my internal world than external influences. A serious attempt to discover my true self beckons, and there's no more auspicious time than the present, just before turning 51. I must embark on an internal journey while engaged in the worldly pursuits of life. Disciplining my life and utilizing time more productively for this inner exploration is imperative. And where better to start than Ramgarh? I plan to be there this week, sketching out a roadmap for this new phase of life.

I aim to merge with my "Antarman," forging a unity between my external and internal selves. The foundation of Antarman abode will be laid in Ramgarh this year.

In this quest, I seek balance in my professional, personal, and spiritual life. May the commencement of this journey infuse me with the strength to overcome my current state of mind, enabling a deeper focus on my professional life and quality time spent on Antarman journey. I yearn for stability in thought, increased patience, and the initiation of a gradual process of detachment over time. I seek the blessings of all to embark on this remarkable journey.

Antarman at Ramgarh shall be the space to kindle and challenge me as I move towards a more fulfilling life, where love, hatred, attachment, and detachment converge into a singular meaning of kindness and forgiveness. A state of neutral joy, where external and internal distinctions vanish—a journey toward a life of profound meaning.

Note: A decade has elapsed, and the Antarman journey remains unstarted. Life persists with little change. Some extended trips abroad during the mid-decade have ignited internal curiosity. The loss of an elder cousin during the pandemic in '22 has left a void, akin to that of Cecilia, never to be filled. The question remains unanswered. Whether this journey will start or not ?

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